how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Don’t snitch tag.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
