How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
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Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’ll be mad as hell!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
