How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
just gave your address to some spiders
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars