Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Jeans are once again asking too much of me.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

Expect the unexporcupine.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?