How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
