Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

50 shades of grey = my Liver

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?

Me:

H:

Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Pretty much. 🤣

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles