how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
#CoronaOutbreak
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
you’re not fooling anyone
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.