how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
me 2 months after i graduated
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕