how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
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when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
You better watch out
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
