Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

Fly wife: Notice anything?

Fly husband: …

Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut

Dumplings,

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad