How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
As a doctor, I can confirm
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.