How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
April 1st is the class clown of days.