How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot