How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.