How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
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Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
it was love at first sight
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.