How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I need better friends
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans