how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
There is no try. There is only give up.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Why are bridges so flammable.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*