how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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I have never related to anyone more.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA