how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
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Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.