Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.