How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.