Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.