How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
@ candidates for local office
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today