Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”