How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?