How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
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It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
