How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.