How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Now who done made this a sport lmao
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore