How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Life is a suicide mission.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
