How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
