How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked