How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start