How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers