How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
About to form my very first opinion
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.