How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM