How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!