HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Check out the legs on this baby
それは草
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.