Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.