Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression