HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
#titanic
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.