Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.