“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
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Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.