How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
All food is good if you spell it wrong
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.