Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Effort made

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I finally found a reason to live again.

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad