How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
feetloaf
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?