Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

“I wouldn’t.”

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

weird email i got today

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.