How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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synchronized noseblowing
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.