How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.