Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.

I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people