Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…

~Kids

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready