how DARE
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw