how DARE
You Might Also Like
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.