how DARE
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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.