How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.