How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face