Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

what it’s like dating me:

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes