How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.