How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
When I face a minor setback
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
As per my previous tablet…
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.