Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

How do horror writers compete with current events?

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?

WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

When you’re Kinky but poor

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird