Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brb my Sims are getting married

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.