How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
I’m already scared
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.