How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Covert ops
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.