Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

excuse me

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.