How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
You Might Also Like
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything