How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
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My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.