How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
These are so Plastic Man-core
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
This came to me in a dream.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]