how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Good Morning.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.