how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
If looks could kill
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”