how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
looks legit
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Breaking news:
What the hell happened here.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.