how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
broke down and did it
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out