Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

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You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.