How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
🎵 I can’t wait to
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
…żyje?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.