How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Natural selection at its finest
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?