HOW DARE YOU
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
thats my bad
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.