HOW DARE YOU
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
dream blunt rotation
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Just me?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.