Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

NASA has no chill

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Glad they’re banning TikTok. It’ll be nice to be reunited with my kids, and see how much they’ve grown over the years.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

You don’t even know

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room