How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Come back with a warrant
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
“Worm Regards”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Church Pugh’s
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes